It finally happened.

So this finally happened. Emergency landing a plane over a couple bits of plastic and a cup of water seems a bit extreme to me (and the only people I really feel sorry for are the delayed fellow passengers of the offenders). I've written previously about how unreasonable people are when it comes to spending a few hours in the air and don't expect anything to change short of a mandatory dose of Ativan for all passengers before take-off.

I'm sure you'll be surprised to know that I have a strong opinion about the Knee Defender. I think it should be banned outright (and on most airlines it is). Most of us know what we are getting into when we fly and I think the Knee Defender is pathetically passive-aggressive and downright selfish.

I would also like to know why tall people get the monopoly on flight discomfort? I'm not particularly tall or large - I'm pretty much exactly average, so I accept that certain aspects of flying are more comfortable for me than others. But. I do get bad lower back pain - particularly when I stand or sit in the same place for long periods of time. On long-haul flights (and I do a lot of 8+ hour flights) I need to put my seat back just as much as the 6'4 guy behind me needs more leg room.

I think I'm a pretty conscientious flyer; I tend not to put my seat back on short-haul flights and I always put my seat up for meal service - but I do firmly believe that should I choose, the right to recline my seat is irrefutably included in the price of my ticket. From a purely logical stand-point, it is difficult to argue that an action that actively interferes with the design of someone else's seat trumps that of a person using their own seat as it was designed.

I'm not going to suggest that tall people either don't fly at all or fly business class; flying is frequently the only way to get from A to B and if flying business class was affordable, we'd all be doing it. I guess what I am trying to say is, can't we all keep our hands (and seats) to ourselves, have a drink and be miserable together?

Bros, Babes & Bondi

Seven months in Sydney and we finally hauled ourselves out to Bondi and the eastern beaches. Bondi is the city's most famous ocean-side beach and even in late winter it is a crowded crescent of sand where the bold and the beautiful come out to play.

This is where Australia's famous laid-back beach culture becomes a self-caricature. Bondi is the kind of place where bronzed bros strut around with gym towels draped casually around their necks as if a towel is a legitimate fashion accessory. Feel me, bro?

Smaller and quieter Bronte Beach

The setting is stunning; there is no denying that (although you might be distracted from the curvy coast by curves of another kind). The 10km coastal path that starts at Bondi and carries south to Coogee is a windy track that hugs the coast line; descending to small beaches and ascending to the tops of coastal cliffs along the way.

It's a well-trodden route, popular with tourists and locals alike. There's parents negotiating SUV-sized prams up and down the many sets of stairs; tourists stopping abruptly every three feet or so for yet another selfie; the doggy day-care folks wrangling packs of yappy dogs; the bewildered (us); and of course the fitness buffs.

Ocean swimming pool on Bondi-Coogee Coastal Path

Given the chaos on the path it strikes me as odd that this where anyone would choose to go for a run. The navigation required eliminates any chance of taking in the scenery and the stop-and-go nature of traffic on the path is enough to test the patience of a London bus driver.  It would also appear that lipstick, eye-liner and push-up bras are (rather impractically) all part of the workout uniform in this part of town. Maybe it's not really about the exercise after all; if you are young and fit, this is the place to see and be seen.

That said, it's all bit absurd, but harmless and the crowds start to thin once you hit Clovelly; a lovely spot with snorkeling and stunning views. For my part, I'm going to stick with Manly and the northern beaches where being over 30 isn't a crime and you can eat your fish and chips in peace without harsh looks of judgement.

Petty convenience, freedom & the welfare state

I can recall early trips abroad and tying myself up in knots over the lack of the petty conveniences that make up day-to-day life in America:

Haven't these people heard of air conditioning?
Can I get some ice please?
Whaddya mean everything isn't open 24 hours?

These are the things that you can hear travelling Americans complaining about loudly on golf courses around the world and these were the things that I missed when I first moved abroad too. However, I quickly discovered that in reality I had no idea what I'd actually been living without all those years. Ice in my drinks became irrelevant.

I moved abroad for graduate school, got an impractical masters degree from an excellent university, met a boy and never came home. Those first years of post-college adulthood are tough (wherever you are) - and I was woefully unprepared for them. Like many young graduates I didn't realise how much more actual experience is valued over where you went to college or what grades you received. I, inevitably, ended up in a string of jobs that I saw as 'beneath' me, but in retrospect provided exactly the experience that I needed.

It was hard - and it should be hard, but I also realised that so many of the things that my 20-something friends back in the US were losing sleep over, just weren't a problem for me. I had instant access to universal healthcare, that legendary European tax burden that Americans love to hate was actually less than it would have been in Illinois and I was accruing undreamed of amounts of paid vacation time.

I wasn't earning much more than minimum wage and my (now) husband was getting by on a PhD stipend, but it was enough to make ends meet.  We were eligible for a modest weekly tax-credit that made such a difference to us financially, that we're probably still feeling the ripple effects of it to this day. Demonize the welfare state all you want, but it helped to get us from struggling young graduates to productive, tax-paying members of society; seems like a pretty good return on investment to me.

Next week I commence year 10 as an expat and the things that I once missed about living in America now confound me. I get flustered with the military precision of the drive-thru; the amount of choice (and wastage) in grocery stores completely overwhelms me; and driving everywhere just leaves me in a semi-permanent state of carsickness.

We visit the US regularly and my (British) husband rarely fails to observe that you have the freedom to do everything in American except have fun. How true. You can take an assault rifle to the grocery store but can't legally enjoy a cold beer in the park on a sunny day.

Americans like to bang on about freedom ad nauseam, but in the UK and now Australia we are free to do so much more. We are free to take a (paid!) vacation; free to have a beer outside; free not to live in fear of guns in the wrong hands; free not to be denied healthcare because the freedom of a corporation trumps our own. We have free speech (but money is mercifully not free speech), free religion (or no religion), and certainly a free(er) press.

Don't get me wrong, there are many things I love about America and I believe that Americans are a genuinely smart, generous, an innovative bunch, that are trapped in a self-made political system that is held hostage by the highest bidder and lunatic fringe. I'm also not saying that everything in the UK or Australia is perfect; both countries currently have unpopular, centre-right governments with particularly bad education and environmental policies. Nowhere is perfect, but we are lucky enough to mostly (Malaysia was a bit of a black spot) live in places that match our values and priorities far better than America does or can at this point in time.

So sure, I will always believe that your first-world status should be called into question if you still have separate hot and cold water taps; but on the whole a few minor inconveniences are a small price to pay for the social safety net and well-being that comes with living in a society where those on the bottom - or those just starting out (like we were!) aren't left to flounder and struggle.  Ironically, living abroad is what has enabled me to achieve the so-called American Dream.

Why I don't want to live in America anymore

A question that I get asked a lot is some variation on: Do you miss living in America? Do you want to go back?

The answer is, no. And nothing sums up why better than this advertisement:




While I loathe everything about this commercial from his over-quaffed Aryan looks to his souless Pottery Barn house and smug (completely misguided) superiority; it does succinctly sum up exactly why I don't want to live in America any more.

America has a lot of seriously misguided priorities, but at the most fundamental, human level is the right to take some time off to go on a vacation (or staycation). Further, the insinuation that the rest of the world is lazy, is so ridiculous that I'm not even going to bother discussing it.

Here in Australia we are entitled to a legal minimum of 4 weeks + public holidays paid annual leave, although 5 weeks + public holidays is standard for the public sector. I know that entitlement in the US varies widely, but the fact that there is no legally-guaranteed minimum is enough to keep me out of the country. (Of course, Australia also has a minimum wage of $17.00+ an hour, legal entitlement to paid maternity leave, and a healthcare system where I don't lose sleep about bankruptcy over a broken leg.)

I personally know of American-based friends and family who have worked in high-level jobs requiring a minimum of a masters degree and they have had 1 vacation day per month that had to be taken within that month.  I've heard of people refused time off for their own wedding. I know that some employers in the US are more generous than others, but it is a cold, hard fact that we find it much more difficult to travel with or get visits from our US-based friends and family than their European and Australian counterparts. The Americans are squeezed for time down to the hour.

I have lived on the other side of the world for over 9 years, and I am certain that my generous paid-leave entitlements have left me with far more time to go home for long breaks and spend quality time with my family and friends - far more so than if I lived in California and had to squeeze in a flying visit to Illinois once a year.

I know that people have different priorities and if you want to work yourself into the ground and collect lots of stuff for the house that you're never in - to each their own. But study after study has clearly shown that workers with more paid time off are more productive, happier and more likely to stay in the job.

So, to the guy in the Cadillac ad - enjoy collecting your cookie-cutter junk, asshole, I'm going to go stop at the cafe, see the world and spend time with the people I care most about.

Oh, and thanks to excellent public transportation and the ability to walk places without having to cross a freeway, we don't need your Cadillac either.

N'est-ce pas?

My favorite things about living in Oz (so far)

Bacon. 

As an American who served 5 years time in the UK, I've been drawn into more than one streaky bacon (good) vs. back bacon (less good) debate. Australia has a rather elegant (and obvious) solution to this problem: just serve both together in a single, delicious, meaty, fatty strip about two feet long (very good).

Happy people.

Australians are so good-natured and cheerful that you'd be excused for wondering if they were all accustomed to a good morning slug of gin just to get the day off to the right start. Seriously, these people are friendly and happy to the point of suspicion. Australia is known as the Lucky Country - and with good reason - there's the great weather, a booming economy, fabulous food, drink and some of the best cities, beaches and scenery in the world. What's not to be happy about?

Wine.

While some wine aficionados might lament the lack of availability of Old World wines (or in my case the odd California Zinfandel), but I'm having a terrific time working my way through a cache of fabulous Antipodean vintages. I'm partial to Margaret River reds, Tassie pinots and of course Kiwi sauvignon blancs, but we've still got lots of sampling to do.

Roadtrips.

 

Australia has several world-class cities, but for me it is the long, lonely stretches in between that make Australia so alluring. This map shows all the major paved roads in a country the size of the continental USA. There are huge swathes inaccessible by anything but 4WD and dirt tracks - even the vast majority of the paved roads are single lane.

If you are thinking of hitting the tracks, just make sure you're properly stocked with water, petrol, satellite phone and that someone knows where you are. Also, don't watch the film Wolf Creek before you set off; bad things can happen out there.

Coffee culture.

Australians may love The Queen and playing cricket, but happily for me they've traded in tea for the good stuff. Try and get a bad cup of coffee in urban Australia - I dare you. Want to know exactly what's going on behind the cafe counter? Day-long barista courses are a popular past-time and come with an official certificate. Even McDonald's boasts 'barista' made coffee. Stroll down the high street of any trendy suburb and every second shop will be a cafe offering an overwhelming selection of beans and brews to choose from. Just make sure you study up before your order, asking for a filter coffee will get you a look of pity and despair - flat white and long black are the order of the day.

Aboriginal Art 

 

I could fill a house with this stuff - if only I could afford it. There's an almost unlimited amount of fantastic art out there, from modern Rothko-inspired paintings to traditional fine arts of paintings on bark with natural pigments.

The more you know about a particular piece, the more interesting it becomes. Aboriginal art is highly secretive - some paintings are desert maps of watering holes decipherable only to a particular community. Other paintings reflect aboriginal knowledge of local plants and animals.  It's fascinating and beautiful stuff - now we just need to save up.

Four skyscraper hacks

I'm not great with heights at the best of  times, so the promise of a little liquid lubrication is one of the best ways to get me to the top of scary tall buildings. Parting with a few pennies for some liquid courage is also a great way to dodge hefty admissions fees to popular sights; at worst you break even on the cost of a pint or cocktail each and sometimes you even come out a few bucks ahead - here are a few of our favorite skyscraper hacks.

Marina Bay Sands: Singapore

I'm going to say this outright (and I'm glad that I didn't know at the time of my visit) but the Marina Bay Sands is owned by mega-Republican donor and all-round geriatric-baddie, Sheldon Adelson. So should you chose to visit, just know where your money goes . . .

But if you must . . . the Marina Bay Sands is reportedly the most expensive building in the world - and it looks it; it was finished in 2010 at the cost $5.5 billion. I am not going to lie, it is impressive and virtually overnight has become Singapore's most iconic building.

So, if you've already slung a few Singapore Slings at Raffles but are still a bit thirsty and hankering for a bird's eye view of the city, you could do worse than heading to the rooftop bar Ku De Ta. Yes, a pint of Stella will set you back about $20 (welcome to Singapore!), but that beats the hell out of $23 just for the elevator ride to the observation deck. So hop the elevator to the bar (and don't pay the observation deck fee) - that way you can assuage your guilt of lining Sheldon Adelson's pockets with a cold beer while you enjoy the view.

John Hancock Building: Chicago

Chicago is famous for many things; political corruption, pizza, gangsters, bootlegging and its skyscrapers - yes, Chicago had them first (sorry NYC).  While The Sears, erm Willis Tower is the tallest (it gets you get to the 103rd floor) and has that terrifying little skybox, it does not have The Signature Lounge.  The Signature Lounge at John Hancock gets you nearly as high - to the 96th floor of this Michigan Avenue icon and like the Marina Bay Sands, you can pay for a lift to the top, or you can ride free and have a cocktail at the other end - I know which one I'd go for. The toughest decision is whether to go in the daytime and enjoy the fabulous views across Lake Michigan or at night to take in the city lights.

The Stratosphere: Las Vegas

Daredevils can bungee jump or $18 will get you to the observation deck; but (I guess you're seeing a pattern by now) we opted for the free ride and splurged on a post-nuptial glass of champagne. The Stratosphere isn't the trendiest or most popular hotel/casino in Vegas, but you'd be hard-pushed to find a better view.

View from KL Tower

KL Tower: Kuala Lumpur

The Petronas Towers rightfully hold the title of KL's most impressive - and tallest buildings; but the problem with visiting the Petronas Towers is that once you are in them, you can no longer see them! It's also worth mentioning that a visit to the Petronas Towers doesn't get you any higher than the skybridge, tickets are limited and queues long. So, cheat and make time for a visit to the KL Tower instead. It's recently gone under a much-needed renovation and the cost of the lunch buffet is nearly the same as a ticket to the observation deck. It may not be a free lunch, but it's close.

And if you're really just wanting to ogle the Petronas Towers and being sky-high isn't a top priority, then KL has plenty of rooftop bars with lower, but still spectacular views - there's the Skybar at Traders Hotel, Luna Bar at The Pacific Regency and several others. Bottoms up!

My Un-bucketlist

In a world with an overwhelming number of weird and wonderful places to go, you have to pick and choose, short-list and long-list. Our travel priorities shift based upon where we are, what we have time for, which flights go where and the weather. This will be controversial, but secure in the knowledge that we are never going to get everywhere, here are a five big ticket places that are on the back burner for us:

The Great Wall of China.

Yep, I said it. I'm sure it's amazing, but truthfully it is low on my list. Selfies on The Great Wall almost outnumber baby photos on my Facebook feed and the overall impression I get is that of overwhelming crowds. Crowds are an inevitable part of travel, but a big part of my travel philosophy is built around beating the crowds. And speaking of crowds, I know a bit about how crowd control works in Asia - there is none.

I'm willing to put in extreme effort to get to some places, especially if I'm going to be rewarded by having a place nearly to myself when I get there. I generally like my travel to have some element of relaxation to it and there isn't much about China that strikes me as relaxing. This doesn't mean that I have no interest in going to China, but when we get around to it, I suspect our priority will be a long train ride to Lhasa, not jostling with crowds on the Great Wall.

Disneyworld, Disneyland and any international permutation thereof.

Controversial, I know. This is completely a matter of personal taste, but if you ask me to do a word association with 'hell on earth' then Disneyworld with hordes of screaming children, stressed adults, unforgiving humidity, unrelenting expenses, unending lines and kitsch versions of foreign places where I'd much rather be is what immediately comes to mind.

There was a brief period of my life (around the age of 10) when I was certain that I was the only child in America denied the right of passage of a trip to Disneyworld; how quickly that feeling passed. I like Finding Nemo and Toy Story as much as the next person, but I'm fine with my Disney experience to be confined to the big screen. I was less than a mile from Disneyworld last summer and curiosity didn't even get the better of me; the cross-section of humanity I had witnessed at the Orlando Airport was all I needed to see.  Besides, I get dizzy just thinking about those teacups and one of the biggest perks of not having children is the ability to go on vacation without them.

The Pyramids.

Egypt is pretty high on our list, but our dream trip would bypass Cairo and the Pyramids altogether and start at Luxor with a slow trip down the Nile in a felucca to Abu Simbel. I've dealt with a lot of third world hassle in my day, but the tales that I've heard about touts and tourist harassment at the Pyramids is enough to make my head spin even from the comfort of my home.

I also prefer the ancient image of the Pyramids that I have in my head, perched on the edge of the Sahara with no evidence of modern life; not litter blowing past like tumbleweed and a KFC peeking out in the background.

New York City.

OK, so this is cheating a little bit; I've actually been to NYC, but it was brief, a long time ago and there was little to induce me to rush back. I can hear your sighs of disgust already, but bear with me. To an extent big cities are the same everywhere and I've done a lot of big cities in my day (I'm equally unimpressed with Singapore). So sure, Central Park is nice but so is Hyde Park in London; New York has some great buildings, but nowhere near the architectural heritage of Chicago; New York lacks a stunning geographical setting like Seattle or Sydney; New York has fabulous museums but how much better can you get than the Louvre or Hermitage? And is there any place on the planet more disappointing than Times Square? Seriously.

Niagara Falls.

Nothing against waterfalls, but I'm holding out for Iguasu or Victoria Falls instead. Niagara strikes me as that uniquely American type of tourist attraction where you can drive thru-McDonalds and the falls jointly and have the full viewing experience from the comfort of your car in five minutes or less. That just isn't for me. It's also just a long way from anywhere else of major interest; it seems like a lot of work for little reward. I know, I'm a snob. 

Okay folks, that is it. Feel free to set me straight.